you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
