Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
