I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We need to rekindle our bromance
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Randomize
