just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
