my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
