she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
