i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
