the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
