Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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