I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
