theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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