a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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