You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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