I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
