can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
