I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
