I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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