Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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