I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
