id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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