his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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