Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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