I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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