is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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