I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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