my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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