I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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