if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
