I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
