I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
