I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
