Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
