she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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