i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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