That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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