she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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