we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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