and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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