So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
