I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
