I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
