where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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