I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
