I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
