I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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