New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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