Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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