He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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