Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
