my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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