Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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