dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
