I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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